Effective Communication Skills

Being aware of the speaker's nonverbal messages

When we pay attention to a speaker's body language we gain insight into how that person is feeling as well as the intensity of the feeling. Through careful attention to body language and paraverbal messages, we are able to develop hunches about what the speaker (or listener) is communicating. We can then, through our reflective listening skills, check the accuracy of those hunches by expressing in our own words, our impression of what is being communicated.

Paying attention to the words and feelings

In order to understand the total meaning of a message, we must be able to gain understanding about both the feeling and the content of the message. We are often more comfortable dealing with the content rather than the feelings, particularly when the feelings are intense. Our tendency is to try and ignore the emotional aspect of the messaged/conflict and move directly to the substance of the issues.

This can lead to an escalation of intense emotions. It may be necessary to deal with the relationship problem by openly acknowledging and naming feelings and having an honest discussion about them prior to moving into the substantive issues. If we leave the emotional aspect unaddressed, we risk missing important information about the problem as well as derailing the communication process.

Reflective listening skills

Reflective listening or responding is the process of restating, in our own words, the feeling and/or content that is being expressed and is part of the verbal component of sending and receiving messages. By reflecting back to the speaker what we believe we understand, we validate that person by giving them the experience of being heard and acknowledged. We also provide an opportunity for the speaker to give us feedback about the accuracy of our perceptions, thereby increasing the effectiveness of our overall communication.

Paraphrasing - this is a concise statement of the content of the speaker's message. A paraphrase should be brief, succinct, and focus on the facts or ideas of the message rather than the feeling. The paraphrase should be in the listener's own words rather than "parroting back," using the speaker's words/

• "You believe that Jane needs an instructional assistant because she isn't capable of working independently."
• "You would like Bob to remain in first grade because you think the activities would be more developmentally appropriate."
• "You do not want Beth to receive special education services because you think it would be humiliating for her to leave the classroom at any time."
• "You want to evaluate my child because you think he may have an emotional disability."

Reflecting feeling - the listener concentrates on the feeling words and asks herself, "How would I be feeling if I were having that experience?" She then restates or paraphrases the feeling of what she has heard in a manner that conveys understanding.

• "You are very worried about the impact that an evaluation might have on Lisa's self-esteem."
• "You are frustrated because dealing with Ben has taken up so much of your time, you feel like you've ignored your other students."
• "You feel extremely angry about the lack of communication you have had in regards to Joe's failing grades."
• "You're upset because you haven't been able to get in touch with me when I'm at work."

Summarizing - the listener pulls together the main ideas and feelings of the speaker to show understanding. This skill is used after a considerable amount of information sharing has gone on and shows that the listener grasps the total meaning of the message. It also helps the speaker gain an integrated picture of what she has been saying.

• "You're frustrated and angry that the assessment has taken so long and confused about why the referral wans't made earlier since that is what you thought had happened. You are also willing to consider additional evaluation if you can choose the provider and the school district will pay for it."
• "You're worried that my son won't make adequate progress in reading if he doesn't receive special services. And you feel that he needs to be getting those services in the resource room for at least 30 minutes each day because the reading groups in the classroom are bigger and wouldn't provide the type of instruction you think he needs."

Continued tomorrow...